they're one of the main reasons i'm moving.

i was laying in bed this morning and the thought that i need to check my new jersey housing account came to mind. so when i got up and spoke to the ics worker about what i wanted to work on- i told him that something told me to check how my new jersey housing status is. so the ics worker told zen to come over here because he's more familiar with housing. he checked on it and said i moved up like 20 places or something for the hackensack housing. then he checked how my massachusetts housing status was doing because it seems like housing is more available there for me. he told me it should be about a half a year until they tell me i have an apartment there. i'm thinking back to something my delusional sister said to me when i lived in burnsville. she seems to think we can get apartments by each other and be perfect sissies or some bullshit. one thing that annoys me in particular about my sister is that she has this false sense of entitlement- like it doesn't matter if she works for something- it's automatically hers. THE WORLD DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, TUBS. you don't even have a high school diploma and you're talking about living by me. the apartments I live in require that you have at least a high school diploma- so you're at least making some income. where does she get this crazy thinking from? i'm convinced it's from my mom- who got it from my grandma (just judging by nearly at least 10 years of talking to my grandma on the phone EVERY night.. my grandma tried to convince me that i didn't need to work. at first i was like, "cool!" then as the years went on- i understood more about what her intentions were for me. she figured if she could talk my mom into not working (so she wouldn't have to deal with any difficulties/issues because she wouldn't be doing anything- so she couldn't bother anyone!), she could make me EXACTLY like my goalless mom. a few problems with that besides it'd probably kill me psychologically to be kept from doing ANYTHING (an idle mind IS the devil's playground.. because i wouldn't have experience to show i'm capable of actually doing something), number one and the most significant- i am NOT my mom- we don't look alike or act alike, we also aren't interested in the same things. number two- i KNOW i'm CAPABLE of more than just sitting at home, talking to my dogs and cats. i am not convinced i'm mentally handicapped (so other people have to work and i don't). i'm aware there ARE actually people out in this world in that condition that i don't feel right taking any funds or resources away from them. i have more INTEGRITY than that.. unlike my mom. so the longer i'm kept in this goalless environment, so bums can make it seem like they "support" me from reading my blog like it's the bible. i had a conversation with the travel pca who usually goes on trips with me and she said that i didn't need to always take trips to look for housing all the time and i said, "well it helps me so i can get away from my mom sooner." then she said, "well if you live in minnesota- you'd have to say bye to fredrick. you wouldn't HAVE to see your mom.." then i said, "well yeah but then people would insinuate that she actually comes and sees me and supports me because that's what they would do if they were her and they had a daughter with a tbi." i'm sure that's also why the bum reads my blog- so she can make it seem like she talks to me since she knows what's going on with me- besides impressing her fat daughter who also reads my blog like it's the bible because like i said earlier- she has some sense of entitlement that she can actually do what i do because we're sisters.. a problem with that- i obviously got my persistent mindset from my dad (and *GASP* we have DIFFERENT fathers!) since my mom just lets people walk on her and tell her she's too disabled to work. SO THERE YA GO! MY MOM AND SISTER CAN GET WET OVER ME TALKING ABOUT THEM ON MY BLOG!.. i know if i had a sister who insulted me on her blog- i wouldn't wanna read that shit. THERE is another BIG difference between our personalities.
i'm going to sabathani to volunteer at the front desk in like a half an hour. another BIG difference between my mom and i. she's afraid of black people (she can deny it all she wants in order to look tough or cool but i think of how she would refer to them when i was younger and she'd always point them out..), i realize that we are ALL DIFFERENT and God did that so we'd all be UNIQUE and i don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYONE who thinks otherwise. your ignorance irritates me. i remember having to deal with this shit PERSONALLY growing up as one of the only brown kids in a school full of white people. say whatever the fuck you want to try to ignore this shit but i remember growing up with little naive white kids calling me the "n" word because they were ignorant pricks who more than likely thought they were "smart" saying this shit because they overheard their parent saying it normally. they were young little shits but that still doesn't excuse that bullshit in my opinion. there's another reason why i'm NEVER going back to the hometown where i was raised. i was basically traumatized at a young age because i even have these pictures with powder put on my face when i was younger- so i'd look WHITE since i thought my race wasn't acceptable (i was young and naive). now that i'm older and allowed to go to bigger cities with more DIVERSITY- it's definitely BETTER for me psychologically. my fat sister can't relate to me either like she attempts to do by insisting she hates it in this state so she can be kewliez like me and i have her live by me! my sister's looks came from my mom. she has a white skin tone. my brother and i have tan skin tone because we took after our FATHER (her dad is from texas, ours is from mexico- so i think that might also be why). NOW MY MOM CAN GO TELL PEOPLE SHE ACTUALLY KNOWS WTF IS GOING ON WITH ME LIKE TUBS!! i'm gonna get ready to go to sabathani now.. so i can be by people who actually SUPPORT DIVERSITY NOW!